textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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