Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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