Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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