You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
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Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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