I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
