So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
50% drunk capacity currently
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
