My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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