The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
