we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
