my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
