My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
