I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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