You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize