clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
