Sponge bath it is.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
bring money and cleavage
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Every concussion has its silver lining
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
