i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
