Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
