I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
