Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
