there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
