first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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