Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize