i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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