Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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