If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
