you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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