Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
