OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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