I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
