I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
