my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
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