Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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