Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
