i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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