I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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