We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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