Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
