i need an iv and a liver transplant
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
