im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
