Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
