I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
