I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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