found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
