During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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