Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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