That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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