so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
