I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
