IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
