Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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