Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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