I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
