I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
