I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
