If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
