What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
