I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
