I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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